Keep Your Fork

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things “in order,” she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. “There's one more thing,” she said excitedly. “What's that?” came the pastor's reply.

“This is very important.” The woman continued, “I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.” The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.

“That surprises you, doesn't it?” the woman asked. “Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,” said the pastor. The woman explained. “In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming . . . like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance.”

“So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What's with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: “Keep your fork. The best is yet to come.’” The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp on life than he did. She knew that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork in her right hand. Over and over the pastor heard the question, “What's with the fork?” And, over and over he just smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people that he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them they probably wouldn't stop thinking about it either. He was right.

So the next time you reach for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come . . .

- Roger William Thomas

Telling Yourself the Truth

The following statements can be read, written, repeated, and focused upon in times of confusion, alienation, and distress. It may be helpful to write out the statements that are most meaningful to you and carry the statements with you. The statements can be reviewed many times per day, providing a reminder of what is real.

• I won’t always feel this way.
• Joy will return someday.
• Life is a mix of joy and sorrow.
• Emotional pain hurts, but that doesn’t mean it is harmful.
• Trouble and difficulties are a part of life.
• God is greater than any problem you are facing.
• Life is difficult, but God is good.
• Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair.
• God knows me and loves me no matter what!
• Jesus knows how it feels to suffer — He also suffered.
• It’s okay to be angry when something is wrong.
• It’s okay to cry — Jesus did.
• It’s good to acknowledge our needs when we have them.
• It’s okay to be scared — God is with me.
• God is with me even when I don’t feel it.
• God loves me no matter what I feel.
• God will give me strength when I am weak.
• It’s okay to say “no.”
• The truth is always my friend, even when it is painful.
• I can make it through my pain — God will be with me.
• It’s okay to speak the truth in love.

- adapted from Mel Lawrenz & Daniel Green, Life After Grief, 137-138

When Words Are Wind

Do you think that you can reprove words, when the speech of a despairing man is wind? Job 6:26 (RSV)

When in grief and pain and despair, people often say things they would not otherwise say. They paint reality with darker strokes than they will paint it tomorrow, when the sun comes up. They sing in minor keys and talk as though that were the only music. They see only clouds and speak as if there were no sky.

They say, “Where is God?” Or, “There is no use in going on.” Or, “Nothing makes any sense.”

Or, “There’s no hope for me.” Or, “If God were good, this couldn’t have happened.”

What shall we do with these words?

Job says that we do not need to reprove them. These words are wind, or literally, “for the wind.” They will be quickly blown away. There will come a turn in circumstances, and the despairing person will waken from the dark night and regret the hasty words.

Therefore, let us not spend our time and energy reproving such words. They will be blown away of themselves, on the wind. One need not clip the leaves in autumn; it is a wasted effort. They will soon scatter to the four winds.

How quickly we are given to defending God—or sometimes the truth—from words that are for the wind alone. There are enough words, premeditated and studied, that need our rebuttal, but not every despairing heresy blurted out in the hour of agony needs to be answered. If we had discernment, we could tell the difference between the words with roots and the words blowing in the wind.

There are words with roots in deep error and deep evil. But not all gray words get their color from a black heart. Some are colored mainly by the pain, the despair. What you hear is not the deepest thing within. There is something real within, where the words come from, but it is temporary—like a passing infection—real, painful, but not the true person.

Let us learn to discern whether the words spoken against us or against God or against the truth are merely for the wind—spoken not from the soul, but from the sore. If they are for the wind, let us wait in silence and not reprove. Restoring the soul, not reproving the sore, is the aim of our love.

- John Piper, A Godward Life, © 1997 by Desiring God Foundation (Multnomah).

Find a Support Group

Dear Abby,
I recently lost my dear husband, who died very suddenly. The grief following such a tragedy is indescribable. My salvation has been to keep busy and to join a grief support group.

The reason I am writing to you is to urge anyone who has suffered a devastating loss to find a grief support group and join. The first meeting or two is very hard, but stick with it and you will find solace in the friendships and the sharing of your feelings. It was stated at one of our meetings that “We are a group of people who belong to a very exclusive club that no one wanted to join, but each of us paid the dearest price on Earth to join.” All of us in this group agree that the best medicine for our grief is our weekly meetings.

I encourage all people who are grieving to find a grief support group. Ours was formed by a coalition of churches. Following the death of my husband, the mortuary, the hospital and my church all told me of grief groups. They are out there, and you don’t have to look too far to find them. - Grieving, but Surviving

Dear Grieving but Surviving,
Thank you for a timely letter filled with excellent advice for anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. You may never know how many people you have helped today by providing such a detailed road map for where to go for help in coping with the loss of a loved one. Often just being in the company of those who are coping with the same experience can be a lifesaver.

- Abigal Van Buren

Just For Today

Just For Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just For Today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Just For Today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my lot as it comes and fit myself to it.

Just For Today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study; I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just For Today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just For Today, I will exercise my soul in three ways; I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do — just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just For Today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests— hurry and indecision.

Just For Today, I will have a quiet half hour with myself and God, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just For Today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give, so it will be given to me.

- Sibyl F. Partridge

prayer

Lord,
Tonight we are here before you
many of us strangers to one another
yet sharing in many common hurts
and frustrations acquired through the
course of one of your greatest commandments:
that we love one another.

Lord,
We've all loved, and
in one way or another we've lost.
We are hurt
We are angry
We are frustrated.

Lord,
Most of us hate the way we feel.
We'd give anything to be happy and fulfilled again.
But to do this we must relearn to trust and not to be afraid.
Tonight Lord, We ask you to open us to the importance of our
need for one another.
May we learn to share our love, friendship, concern, and support
while we help each other deal with our pain.
And in doing this, may we come to the realization of the
“beautiful person” that lies within each and every one of us.

Welcome

Welcome to "Grow through Grief."

This blog is not about me but is intended to be a destination where people going through the death of a spouse can come for inspiration and encouragement. Much of what we discuss will benefit those who have lost other loved ones, but my purpose here is to help widows and widowers of all ages who are dealing with the challenge of being single again. My plan is to regularly post uplifting thoughts and point you to resources that will help you and encourage you in your grief journey.

Dialog is encouraged, so the comments feature is enabled. However, the moderation feature is enabled to prevent spam, profile-posting, and inappropriate comments.